From the WTF files, I.S. allegedly sits down with STW

Ben Worcester of Said the Whale
talks with Island SoapBox
Well due to some circumstances that we really don't need to get into, I was a little slow on setting up the details of an interview with Said the Whale, while they were in town this past week touring with Dinosaur Bones and Tokyo Police Club.  Now just because I didn't get this thing set up in time doesn't mean that you, the reader, should suffer.  So I've decided to do the next best thing, and that is just make shit up for them! So here it is folks, the interview with Said the Whale's Ben Worcester and Tyler Bancroft, that never happened, but might as well have ;) (Please note NONE of this is real)

It's great to finally meet you guys! When I started setting this thing up (the interview), you guys were Juno nominees, and now a few months later, Juno Champs!  Has there been enough time for that to really sink in?  You guys have had some major accomplishments over the past 6 months.

Worcester and Bancroft sit in ridiculous lazy boy recliners (they added 5 Burgundy suede recliners to their Rider after notching the Juno), Worcester plays with his phone through my questions, cheering and cursing the Canucks every move (when women come near, he mumbles non-sense about overseas stock markets), he's not heard one word of mine.  Bancroft, unbelievably, is eating grapes from the vine as his new assistant feeds him.  Through Gold plated aviators, and after staring at me just long enough to make me think he wasn't going to answer, Tyler offers up his thoughts.

"Let's face it, waiting for the weekend of the Juno's was just a formality.  Who the hell else would have won that Juno?  Hollerado?  What, cause they made a music video in 5 and a half minutes?  No it was gonna be Tyler Bancroft and Said the Whale the whole time, we knew this."

Not even Bancroft's complete exclusion of Worcester from the Juno talk can get Ben's attention.  At this point he's busy working the venue manager, apparently the wrong sparkling water has been supplied for his tooth brush.

A little taken back from their demeanour, I decide to ask them about the upcoming election. How they feel about the whole process, and this election in particular.  I look over at Ben, hoping this will get him going.

He whispers something into Tyler's assistant ear.  The assistant hurriedly runs off to get his own personal assistant.  This assistant quickly informs me that Ben wants Tyler to answer this question.  Tyler spits grape seeds into his assistants open hand, and begins to answer.

"We think the election is garbage.  There is no doubt this country needs a new leader, and there is no doubt Ben Worcester is that leader.  When the election was announced, Ben was ready to take the "Independent Music Party of Canada" straight to the top.  He had people ready to run in 400 ridings.  That's more than even exist.  But then the big Media Consortium decided that Ben could only be involved in the CBC Radio 3 debate, mediated by Grant Lawrence.  When it was found that only Elizabeth May would meet at the R3 event, we said screw it.  We're god damned Juno winners, and they want Ben to play second fiddle to the Green Party and Elizabeth May?  Forget it.  So now we're more interested in the American Story, and possibly helping Donald Trump with his campaign down there."

With one more answer looming before I can get to my seat to enjoy the show, I decide to take the easy way out, serve them up a real beach ball that they can knock out of the park.  I ask them, "What's next for Said the Whale?"

Worcester has the correct water for his toothpaste now, and is brushing his teeth, complete with spitting onto the Sugar Nightclub floor.  His assistant wipes his chin.  Tyler thinks about his response as his assistant tries to shine his sneakers.  Finally he starts.

"This is probably it for Said the Whale.  I mean you can only be on top, and stay on top for so long.  So this is as good as time as any to shut it down.  I don't think there's any question now about who the greatest independent band with the word "whale" in their name is, or ever was.  So what's left?  No one can afford us, the stuff we write now is so astoundingly good, that no one can even "get" it.  It's a shame to let someone listen to the best music they've ever heard, and have them not have a clue.  The ignorance is mind numbing.  It's time to get out before we just go mad."

Worcester has bailed on the interview long before this point.  He's actually stopped Dinosaur Bones in the middle of their set to let everyone in the audience know they won't be getting any leadership worth while May 2, and they should "mass exodus" to the U.S. to support his upcoming campaign with Trump.  Bancroft's assistant wipes my outstretched hand with disinfectant before Tyler shakes it.  The end of my strangest interview that never was had come.

*****Please remember that none of this happened, or was even somewhat close to happening.  I have nothing but respect for Said the Whale, and so does the rest of Canada!  If there is one thing you should take out of this ridiculous post, it's that you should CHECK OUT SAID THE WHALE!

1 comment:

  1. This was actually pretty funny. Well done sir!